but i'm a good person...

i will admit that the last two months i haven't been to church quite as much as i would have liked. between crazy schedules, weekend plans and staying up really late on saturdays, i have resorted to sleeping in on sundays if i am not out of town.  now, i have gone to church in the last two months! i just havent gone weekly like i have in the past. and with that i am disappointed in myself. i am going to work hard at getting back on track.

i read this blog that a friend posted on her facebook. it was about Judas and him betraying Jesus and whether or not we thought he was in heaven or in hell. he compared Peter's betrayal to Judas'. and it got me thinking about things.

we really dont know for certain if someone is in heaven or hell after they pass. now, death in itself has changed me since kyle passed. it seriously can bring me to tears when i know someone close, to me or to someone else i know, passes away. throughout my years at college, numerous people i knew passed away. it didnt seem that complicated when i was younger. it seemed that once i hit freshman year of college, it was like a domino effect and every year since then, i knew at least one person whose life was claimed. some instances were more sudden than others. and for those whose lives were sadly claimed by an accident of some sort, i found that talking with others who knew this person, they believed that person went to heaven. why? because they were a good person. a sweet person. they had the biggest heart and would do anything for anyone.

an insensitive but realistic part of me wanted to tell them that they dont know that. only God knows where they will spend eternity. and just because they were a good person doesnt mean that they believed whole heartedly in God. i didnt actually say that. i've never said that to anyone, nor do i think i ever would. that would be insensitive. sometimes i think i have lost the ability to hope for things and have faith because i would rather be realistic and look at the facts. only God knows our hearts and knows where we will spend eternity. that i know and have faith and trust in. trusting God with your life is something huge. faith is hard.

faith makes things possible. not easy.

God is all around us every day and i pray that i have the ability to see His good and see His works. Work and life get in the way sometimes and i block it out, or forget to be mindful of His acts in my life. if only i could have my eyes peeled open, my ears perked and my heart willing every single day no matter the obstacles or stresses of life. it seems hard to juggle it all and remain the person  i am striving to be. not attending church regularly has only made that tougher to achieve. not reading a passage and reflecting on its meaning hasn't helped either.

Easter is a great time of year [despite all the gaudy rabbits, eggs and pastel colors]. its completely unfathomable  that Jesus died. DIED. nailed to a cross so that i could live. really... try and wrap your head around that. the story is insane to read. can you imagine being there when it all happened?

i mentioned this before in a post- but the thought of losing my mom can literally break me down to hyperventilating tears. she is the closest person to me and i have such a deep love and respect for her that it is painful to picture my life without her. i believe that Jesus has that same feeling for us. so take my feelings for my mother and multiply that by every single person ever alive. that much love is hard to fathom. 

i guess what im trying to say is check out your life and make sure you have it in order; that you are right with God. He can pluck us from this earthly life at any given moment and only He knows our destination after that. just because you are a great person doesnt mean that you have a spot reserved in heaven.

[my apologies if that was blunt. but its real.]

la ta di da... but i'm a great person.