pre-wedding stresses

Emotions are running high as I near my wedding day. It's a stressful process; planning a wedding. I'm happy, nervous, anxious, stressed, exhausted, and indecisive. I wish I could just plan the wedding and have it go as I see it in my mind and have it not be so stressful. I have a daily checklist of people I need to call, errands I need to run or decoration ideas I need to research on Pinterest.

On top of all the decisions we have to make sure all parties involved have their stamp of approval. My loved one's opinions are incredibly important, but at the same time, making the little decisions like what width of ribbon to put on the favors and how big the pew bows are going to be, or what kind of sauce to put on the beef is making my mind explode. I'm serious. My mind hurts. I ordered a salad for take out at a local restaurant. When I went to pick it up, the waiter asked me if I needed silverware. I blankly stared at him trying to make the decision. He looked impatiently at me and asked "hello? do you need silverware?". I said no, but he threw it in the bag anyways. I can't think clearly. About anything.

I am emotionally exhausted. I cry because I'm tired. I cry because I can't make a decision. I cry because I'm sad over certain situations. I cry about stupid things, like I can't find my shoes or my hair is so ridiculously long and I want it cut but can't do it until after the wedding! I cry because I weigh more than I want to but don't go to the gym because I don't have time and when I do have time I want to sleep.  I think about the wedding day, and tear up because I can't believe God blessed me with such an amazing [future] husband who thinks I'm beautiful inside and out. I tear up thinking about having my closest friends and family surround me with such an immense love and support for us. I cry because I have this picture of the wedding day in my head and I am nervous it won't go as planned. I am anxious because I feel like I'm forgetting 500 things because I can't think straight. But it's amazing, really. Getting to this day has seemed like a lifetime. And, well, it has been a lifetime. All these silly decisions and stresses have made me so emotional. Timmer knows this will pass but wow, do I ever appreciate his patience during this time. Usually I cry-laugh, which is something I developed over the last year. I start crying and then I start laughing. At first Timmer was confused and didn't know what to do.  He's got it down to a T what to do now. But all these cries I've had over the last few months are cries that don't turn into laughs. He knows to hug me and hold me until I pull myself together. He tells me he loves me and that November will be here in a heartbeat. He's a great man. I'm so incredibly lucky.

So much change is upon us. We are definitely ready. We understand it will never be just me and him; we will have family, friends, co-workers....but we are so ready to have it be me and him. I want to sit at home with him and watch mindless tv or just sit with him on the couch and read for pleasure. He said to me the other day that he is really looking forward to the wedding but he wouldn't be angry if we never talked about a wedding again after this. I second that.

I'm so tired. Literally. I go to work, then wedding plan. I go to work, then wedding plan. Let each day repeat itself. I even have dreams about the wedding. I have one consistently repeat itself. It is of me running out of time. In my dream I wake up and it's the wedding day. And I completely freak out. In the dream, no one wakes me up until about an hour before I have to walk down the aisle. In the dream, I don't have anything that I currently, in real life, don't have done. So it's wedding day and I don't have anyone to do my hair, the decorations aren't done, etc. In my dream no one shows up. Timmer isn't dressed [in his suit] and I woke up so late that I didn't have time to take a shower, so my hair is terrible and my dress didn't fit because I didn't have anyone alter it [which I still have to do...] So when I wake up in real life, I fear that it is end of October and no one told me. It takes me a minute to catch myself up to real life. Then I head off to work....

Granted we put this time strain on ourselves. We wanted a fall wedding. So we could have waited 6 months or a year and half. We chose the 6 month route. We are so glad we did but the plans are a daily activity. We just keep reminding ourselves that we just have to get to November. That's all. We can do it. We can endure the hardships, the decision making, the preparations. We can do it. We have to stick together and stay focused. Then it's honeymoon time, and I am SO looking forward to the peace and quiet. AND the sun. AND the food. AND being married to him. That will be the best part.