feeling love. feeling fear.

im watching eat pray love right now. a movie i had seen in theaters thanks to some free movie passes i got at work. after i watched it the first time i had this strong desire to pack up and leave to a strange country and experience it in all its glory. i had the desire to travel. now, as i watch it the second time around, i not only have the desire to travel, but i also have the desire to feel again.

towards the end of this movie, the main character, Liz, is asked to get on a boat with a man who loves her. he is scared and hurt from past life experiences but he wants to take her hand and get on the boat together, because he knows he loves her and thats enough for him to move forward.

meanwhile, she stands there, face beat red and near tears. you can sense her stress. i mean all she was asked was to get on a boat... technically. and that question, all in itself freaked her out. they were battling words, yelling and crying away the heated discussion and she couldnt verbally repeat that she loved him back. she got all defensive and walked away.

my point in saying that i wanted to feel again was that in a way i feel trapped. i love my job hands down. God has blessed me more than i deserve.  i have Christian employers and a c-level-ish position at 23. i have absolutely NOTHING to complain about or be ungrateful for. it is annoying to me that i feel like this. it irritates me to the point where i get numb and just brush it off and continue on with my daily routines. blah blah blah is how i feel. maybe im just lacking creativity. maybe i am lacking the challenge of my spirituality and thoughts. maybe i just need to travel and clear my head for a bit [some people call this a vacation ;)] maybe i need to meet new people.

i have my close friends. i have my family. i have my co-workers. i have my roommate. but i thrive on new people, new stories and new things i can learn from others.  see i have this life i have built for myself, and though i love my little adult-like life, it needs some spice, some feelings, some emotion, some love and healthy fear.

Liz was in this heated argument with Felipe. she felt love and fear to the point where her emotions were torn. i want that.

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. " 

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

i mean no one really wants to feel hurt -honestly. but at least you feel something.  risking something like a broken heart or a heart that has healed and is able to love again, thats healthy for growth. i think that's my issue. i dont think my heart has grown or shrunk in the last year. i hoped that it would have, but it really hasnt. and thats me being honest with myself and whoever else reads this.

"I guess what I want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy its delights but also devote myself to God." 

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

its a new year. i need to feel something. at least something more...

la ta di da... feeling love. feeling fear.