today was a kyle day.

today was a kyle day. for some reason. i dont know why. they randomly happen. more frequently than before. dont ask me the meaning of them. i have no idea.

i spent the majority of my day in a car. it was your typical fall day today. it was cloudy. the sun fought its way through though on occasion. it rained off and on. it was chilly and windy.

all in all it was a great MI fall day. the clouds would mix together, the dark and the light. they looked heavy and angry but they never showed their true colors.

my mind was racing all day. pressures about my work event. anxious for the feedback and the outcome at the end of the day. all went as planned with a few minor technical difficulties in which i found a round about way to fix. i stayed pretty focused. and in the end, all went well. it was a success. i was proud. i did a good job. yay me!

but it was on the way home that i began to relax. i was able to think about other things in life. i stared out the window as my boss drove us back to lansing. we were both tired. it was a long day. these events make for long days. so there were moments of silence and i just had to take a deep breath and appreciate life. appreciate this gloomy fall day that God gave me.

my brain was about fried when i got back to work. so i started a mindless project. something that didnt require my thinking cap, and i finished the work day.

i drove home. traffic was hectic. my body is tired. its overworked and exhausted and needs sleep. and a workout ;)

I parked my car as usual. made my way up to my apt. changed my clothes and literally just fell on my bed. i just layed there and the first thing that came to mind was kyle.

i remember him like it was yesterday. or today for that matter. i remember his freshman dorm room when he lived with dave. i remember the set up. i remember they always had their window open. i would go over and hang out with them and help dave on his algebra. kyle would just distract us and we would end up closing the books and watch a movie. i remember their sunday night movie nights. they would put their mattresses on the floor and shut off all the lights and leave their door open. it was always me and dave and kyle on the futon and everyone else would come and go from the mattresses, from the room.

i remember one time i was in their room, hanging out with kyle and it was at the beginning of our freshman year. we didnt quite know the rules yet. i dont think kyle even knew there were rules. me, i was paranoid to break them. and it was in the middle of the day....oops. rule broken! we had no idea until i was leaving and i walked out of the room and saw the sign of "open hours" times... yup, rule broken.

i remember how he never wore socks. or shoes. i remember how he was self concious about his thining hair, so he wore it long. i remember his passion for basketball and God and people. i remember how he rarely wore jeans and how he never slept at night. i remember him putting "kyle the great" in my cell phone and how i to this day cannot delete that from my phone.

i remember another time when i was helping dave with HW and kyle was in the shower. he [kyle] was blaring his music. at this point i think i knew dave better than i knew kyle. kyle was just some crazy loud guy with long curly hair and pretended he was tough. [but in reality, he really was tough]. so on this night when we were doing HW, kyle comes walking out of the bathroom with just his towel around his waist. acting like it was nothing! awkward. i decided to leave the room for not knowing what else to do... crazy kid. he always smelt like the cologne that came in the orange bottle. is sat on the bathroom counter. i think it was clinque for men. i bet if i smelled it again i could tell you for sure.

i remember dec. 14th like it happened 2 seconds ago. i could tell you the entire day. from start to finish. and i can tell you that THAT day changed my life. that day i lost a friend. i lost a (love) relationship [not with kyle-with the current guy i was dating]. i lost myself. i lost feeling. i lost my ability to control the tear ducts in my eyes. i lost focus. i lost a sense of reality. i lost the appreciate for snow and ice and walk in the dark.

i really wish he were here. more than anyone else that i have lost. i really really wish he were here.

la ta di da... <3 today was a kyle day.