my words are a blur

" if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."

tonight is a strange night for me. i feel incredibly blessed yet heavy hearted. have you ever felt like that before? like you really have no reason to complain because you have a lot going for you, but at the same time you feel a bit empty?

yesterday i was asked to do this project at work [the project will remain secret, but its really cool!!!]. on the drive home i had this moment of realization [i get those on occasion]. i was hardly listening to the radio, my windows were down and were drowning out the music. i just kind of drove the routine route home but was thinking about where im at in my life. i have great friends. a fabulous family, a job that i rock at [most days] and i just felt incredibly thankful. i had one of those surreal moments. its weird to think still that i am on my own. it just boggles me sometimes. i feel too young but i feel really old at the same time [like my 10pm bedtime....common now.]

i know that i am blessed. i am so thankful everyday for those things i just listed. but a part of me still feels like im still aching. i dont know what it is. it might be because of my lack of sleep the last few days and im just feeling off. but it makes me wonder, when i will be able to be consistent? consistent in my actions, my behavior, my feelings in life.

i watched the bachelorette season finale last night. i made me desperately want something real again but at the same time it made me want to vomit over the gushy fake-fairy-tale-love that was displayed. in my mind, that much romance only brings red flags. but who am i to judge, Roberto is a little hottie ;-)

i know im jumping around here tonight, but this is ultimately a place for me to jot down my thoughts, so if you dont follow or none of this makes sense to you.... ah well, sorry?

the quote that i stuck up at the top was something my freshman roommate just posted on her facebook status. as i sat here starring at the facebook news feed i was thinking of what to write or where to start [clearly i gave up and just started writing with no direction]. that quote made complete sense to me and seemed to fit in with what i previously wrote in my last few blogs about prayer and change. so i thought i would pass it along. it kind of sounds like a nice definition for insanity ... not in a bad crazy kind of way but like i said earlier, we cant expect change when we dont change our patterns. just something to think about.

im tired. i dont know why. i havent slept soundly the past two nights. i still have a lot on my mind. maybe thats why. i go on vacation [aka a long weekend] this coming weekend. its much needed. i wish i had someone to bring with me though.... reason number 528 why having a boyfriend is nice. [that and he could help me step up this darn sound bar that wont work with my tv..bah]


la. ta. di. da. ---> until next time.