people like us finish last

so i havent written in a while. mainly for two reasons. 1. i have a new phone where i can access the internet which makes me use my MAC less...which in turn leads me to forget i have a blog. whoops. (apologies...peeps) and 2. i have been semi-social with my spare time (which is good...right?!) therefore, simply not having the time to write my none sense- of- an -opinion on life down on the world wide web.

my new roomie brought a batch of her belongings with her last night to the apt. along with her came a million movies. so i took to The Notebook tonight (bad idea for my sappy soul). I have neglected to watch many love story type flicks within the last few years. part of me is still sour for never having successfully accomplished the act of love. sure i have had many chances of it but it was never successful. i am well aware that i am 23. i am well aware that is still a young age. i am well aware that i have all the time in the world for love to find me (and vice versa). but that doesnt mean that i cant hurt while i wait. what a painful process of patience.

i guard my heart like it's my job. yes i am open with many people. you want to know something about me, just ask. i'll tell ya. theres no point in hiding who i am so just ask. i will answer. however, when it comes to fully letting myself become vulnerable to the chance of a real relationship or to the opportunity to fully care and love someone... well see there ya got me.

it's like teaching a kid to swim. the pool looks so nice. and it feels great when you need it the most, like on a hot summer day. but as a kid, you aren't quite sure what it's really going to feel like once you dive in. so say you have jumped in once before and you werent sure how to come back up for air. you are throwing your body all around in the water trying to make some kind of movement upward. you put all your energy into surviving and reaching for the sun. but you cant breathe. you cant find your way up to the air. you feel the pressure on your chest and your lungs scream out for air... well now you just have a bad experience of what a pool is like! now thats all you have to go off of. and frankly, the feeling of having your lungs collapse and being sucked under by this uncontrollable force is hardly something you want to relive. therefore, watching the others joyfully play and laugh in the water as you sit pool-side, makes you content.

so what about the kid that had the bad experience in the pool yet, was coached enough to stick the big toe in the water again? just a dab at the water. a little splash. what a tease that pool is as you look down at the clear blue water. because now you are remembering all the great times that you had in the pool. and just when you think you can, oh, say, go knee deep again, you snap out of it to realize that someone ran up behind you, and hit your back pretending to push you in! what a jerk! that scared the bajeebers out of you! holy smokes! now you have this deep fear again. like the wind was punched from your stomach. you remember exactly what you dont want to go through again.

for those of you that think i am just rambling and are totally confused, i just compared love to a pool and learning to swim. i also gave you a few scenarios of which i have all experienced (just an FYI to catch you up to speed)

for a moment i felt that fear this weekend. half heartedly sharing something that has long been just an "idea" to me. something i have toyed with in my head for quite some time. maybe it would work. maybe it would be great. maybe? or maybe not... i stuck my big toe in the water and quickly removed it for i wasnt ready to face the outcome of that "idea" i have toyed with. not ready for my lungs to collapse all over again. (this is mainly the part where i vent about something you dont know about and wont know about... sorry peeps- this is confidential) :-)

love is this bittersweet thing. the sweet part: it's great. there is no other feeling than loving someone and know that you are loved in return. it's the hardest yet simplest thing to explain to someone because no one can fully understand the love that is between two people. even if they tried.

the bitter part: when the person who you thought loved you changes their mind. everyone experiences it (love) and feels it (love) differently. but for me, the act of drowning seemed like a good comparison to the love that i experienced. the love that has since kept me arms- length away from the pool.

i know what it can do to people, love that is. i've seen it and experienced it- the good and the bad sides of it. i was on cloud 9 for a long time. nothing couldve been better. then, in an instant it all disappeared even when i kept fighting for air... fighting to breathe. trying to understand why it was happening. why i couldnt breathe, why my lungs couldn't grasp the air i was trying to inhail. why i had to experience it the way that i did and why it still keeps me so far from the pool when i want so desperately to do a cannon ball and make a huge splash.

someone asked me recently "why is it the good guys always finish last?" in my head i asked "why do the good girls always finish last?" then i thought...why is it that the good guys never race with the good girls? if that were the case then they'd finish together... right?

but the good guys race with the mean selfish inconsiderate girls. and the good girls race with the guys that could care less. apparently the race tracks where the good girls and the good guys race together, is where the married people end up. frick, how do i get to that race track!? did i miss the memo with the directions?!

so i tested the waters this last week and it wasnt what i had hoped. the results werent heading in the direction i had hoped. to put myself 100% out there is still terrifying. so back ashore i go. i will watch the others play as i regroup and move on. come to terms with my results and maybe, just maybe, i will try another pool in a while... after i catch my breath that is.

until then, i will wonder: when will my love story be written?